One of these days some young man will stumble upon this blog (cause that's the only way someone other than my wife will read it) and hopefully find some helpful insights on married life.
LESSON ONE: Get used to the taste of your own foot. Maybe even wash it once in a while or hit it with that tough actin' tinactin, 'cause you'll be putting it in your mouth all the time.
Hopefully your wife is pretty cool and you can pass the stupid comments that come out of your mouth off as witty humor. That is not the case with me. Shit I did it again. I just made it seem like I don't have a cool wife; when what I meant was I'm not smooth enough to gloss over the idiotic things that come out of my mouth like a toddler's projectile vomit.
LESSON TWO: This almost always happens when you are talking about other women. For example:
My wife found a picture my brother and I snapped of a really hot chick at his work (he's a bad influence). Thankfully, my wife is one of those cool chicks who realizes that men have wandering eyes and that doesn't necessarily mean anything. However, I can still manage to fuck that up.
"So I saw that picture on your phone." She says.
"Yeah...I actually snagged Brian's phone to snap that one." I say with far too much honesty.
"So you emailed it to yourself so you could beat off to it later?"
"Uhh..."
"Did she have a pretty face?"
"I dunno."
"That just goes to show that all guys really care about is a body."
"No, it was just the way she was dressed. I mean if a chick is just wearing sweat pants and stuff a pretty face can really stand out." This was NOT a smooth thing to say. Then I made it worse. "I dated this one girl in high-school who did not have the face, but had a bangin' body. Seriously, but I caught a bunch of shit from my friends that called her horse face."
"Blah, blah blah." I can't really remember what she said at this point, since this is when I managed to channel Bruce Lee's spirit and plant my foot in my mouth with the force of a flying kick.
"Seriously, when we met you were so fucking hot. You were everything I had ever dreamed about."
"Were?"
My brain says to me: "Oh fuck!"
"Were? What do you mean by that?
My Brain: "Quick! Come up with something!"
"Honey, neither of us looks like we did when we got married." As if that comment could smooth things over.
My Brain: "Oh you're fucked."
LESSON THREE: 'WERE' is a verb - plural form of was, which is past tense of the verb am/is/are which is part of the "state of being" verb "to be". You should never, EVER, use it in relation to your wife. Rather, learn to use the present tense; You are.
(BTW: Baby, you are the sexiest woman in the world, and I want to do bad things to you.)
